Siyabonga is a father of three-year-old twin boys and lives in Wallacedene, a small settlement in the Kraaifontein area in the Western Cape. He shares his home with his wife, twin sons and daughter of 10 years. We spoke with Siyabonga about his experience of doing the Mikhulu Trust book-sharing course that was being offered by the Men’s Fellowship, a faith-based organisation that runs under the banner of the Presbyterian Church. Siyabonga has been blown away at how book-sharing has changed his family. This is Siya’s story.

When joining the book-sharing course, Siyabonga explained that he is aware of the importance of a parent sharing stories with one’s children, but what he learnt at the training sessions was “a whole different and new story altogether”.

When he joined the course, Siyabonga didn’t know what to expect and attended without any preconceived ideas about the purpose of the training. “I didn’t expect to learn so much”, says Siya. “On the first day, we were asked about how our parents disciplined us. We learned that how we were disciplined as children is not how we should be doing things now.”

“When my child would do something naughty, I would smack him, just like I was smacked as a child.” He goes on to explain: “The young man that is educated, has manners and has money may seem perfect but the manner in which he solves his problems… that’s where the problem is – he is abusive, and not because he wants to be but because that is the way he was raised. Before I came to the book-sharing training, I was raising my children in the same way that I was brought up.”

Siyabonga explains that his three-year-old son understands this language of violence, even if it means stopping him from doing something naughty. “So, now, at three years he is becoming cheeky and the only language he understands is when I tell him to stop and I smack him. Sometimes I don’t even do it hard but just by giving his hand a smack, he stops doing what he was doing. He understands that language.” He continues, “My parents did a good job but the manner in which they corrected me, somehow created a monster out of me.”

When talking about his daughter, Siyabonga says, “I feel so bad but I used to use the same method on her, like beating and all that stuff. That thing of beatings, it makes the child lose confidence. Even if you’re not supposed to be scared of something, you become scared because of the beating, because you know what the consequences will be. When that child looks back, they will become something that resolves to violence. That is why our society is like this,” he continues.

Siyabonga tells us that he has since changed the way he goes about his daily life, having realised that children tend to record more about what they see than what they hear, and his lashing out was not a positive outlet for his children and would eventually damage their trust in him. He admits that he has changed the way he goes about disciplining his children since attending the Mikhulu Trust book-sharing course and that he has changed as a person.

“The book-sharing programme changed the kind of person that I was because even with my wife, I’m not so aggressive anymore. That’s something good I can share with you. Really, it taught me how I need to be. I could see that was different from the way I grew up.” He continues: “If you don’t see what you are doing wrong, you’ll keep doing it. The programme gave me a different perspective on how to do stuff and helped me to not do the same things to my children. I don’t know what would have happened if I would have carried on like I was.”

A change in disciplining behaviour is not all that has changed in Siyabonga’s life. He has also adopted a healthy habit of book-sharing with his children which has changed both Siya and his children in a number of ways. Firstly, book-sharing has increased the vocabulary of Siyabonga’s children and has improved the way in which he communicates with them. Book-sharing has also taught Siya to allow his children to show him what they need while their bond improves. “Our relationship has changed in a good way – we are now very close,” he explains as he speaks about his twin boys.

“Before, when I left the house they would not cry. They would cry for their mother if she was leaving but now they know that Daddy is someone who also cares because I’m now more hands-on. My children call my name and cry when I leave now! Before it was just their mother who was close to them but now I am also. At least I feel like I’m part of the family now.”

Siyabonga has made an effort to set aside a time of the day for book-sharing and his twin boys have learned to recognise the time for this and voice their desire to sit with a book. “The children know now, it’s time for book-sharing without you even telling them it’s 12 o’clock. I have a time when we look at books with them when they are not at playschool. They will come to me and say “Tata, that book with the elephant on it”.”

“Sometimes we spend all our time being too busy and trying to make money and stuff, and we end up missing family time. So, book-sharing creates that time. Even if we are busy, we need to find that 30 minutes just to have family time.”

“What the book-sharing opened up for me was that I always thought that raising the children was for the mother, and the father wasn’t there (this is where the cultural part of it comes in). My thinking is that like with my 10-year-old daughter, at that time my wife and I were not married. My daughter wasn’t living with us so I would just buy stuff and just give it to her. I thought that was the right thing to do but it doesn’t end there – it needs that personal touch.”

“We need to communicate with our children – that is what I have learned. Because of book-sharing, as much as you may not understand, it creates a bond between a parent and a child. That thing that I was doing first, just providing and not being involved, that was the culture the children will pick up. That’s where everything becomes a disaster. That’s what I’ve learned from the book-sharing programme – it really made me see other stuff that I would not have realised.”

We’re told by Siyabonga that his wife is impressed with the manner in which he has changed. He tells us, “Book-sharing didn’t only improve the way I was communicating with my children but also improved things with my wife. In my relationship with her, it made me see myself as a father and not just a husband. I won’t lie, it has improved my love life.”

“The book-sharing project is something that is going to stay with me forever. It has made me into a father who is more at home than being outside. I spend more time with my children now. All my choices are about them now. If I am going to live two different lives then I will be giving my children two messages and I’m afraid they may adopt the one that is not right. The project instilled in me that whatever I do, I must do it with my children in mind.”