“Although the Mikhulu Trust book-sharing is just a drop in the ocean with the numbers we reach, it’s actually a big thing that can change a lot as far as the community is concerned. Here, we talk about a culture that is instilled in our mind – the manner in which we are brought up – and we did not see anything wrong with it until we came across the Mikhulu Trust.”

These are the words of Mr Bongi Mgquba, facilitator at the Men’s Fellowship in Kraaifontein, a faith-based organisation which runs under the banner of the Presbyterian Church. While the Men’s Fellowship is a national body, each church has its own group and each has a common goal: to promote outreach to all, with a particular focus on men. When the opportunity to become a part of Mikhulu’s book-sharing course arose, Men’s Fellowship in Kraaifontein jumped at the chance.

Millions of children in South Africa are growing up without a father in the home. Some may have a relationship with their dads that is somewhat positive, but many don’t have a deep relationship with their fathers at all due to societal practices that have become the norm in many instances.

Facilitator, Bongi, a father himself to children in their late teens, told us: “Fathers are always reserved – you will not find them in these workshops which is why Mikhulu Trust is zooming in on the men. The fathers are the ones who are always dragging their feet to come out but in the meantime, they are the main culprits and perpetrators of the violence.” He went on to say: “When we make a comparison of a child who grew up without a father and one who grew up with a father and how they behave in the long run… there is no way you can continue to choose to be in such a situation where there is such violence in our society because there are kids who grow up without fathers. We could not wait to become a part of the book-sharing and make a difference in the community through this project.”

The first step for the Men’s Fellowship group was to realise that the involvement of fathers is paramount to their children’s upbringing, however, culturally, it has been the norm to leave most of the hands-on parenting to the female in the household. Bongi says “When it comes to us – people of colour – we are not always close parents to our children. We don’t play an important role in the upbringing of our kids; it’s normally left to the mothers. We didn’t realise how much the old times have changed compared to now. Some of us continue to distance ourselves as fathers, knowing the mother will take care of the kids. Men are still not really a part of it. So, when this project was introduced, we felt we really needed to do it. We have been making things really very difficult for our children. We have to change our manner of doing things which were part of the problem.”

When asked whether the book-sharing course is making men “softer”, Bongi replied with a resounding “yes!” and explains that in the African culture, times are changing and book-sharing promotes the involvement of fathers in the upbringing of their children. “Fathers realise they cannot keep doing things in the same way they were doing things. We need to change our attitudes and our behaviour,” says Bongi.

Through the book-sharing training, fathers have reportedly become more aware of their own behaviour towards their children, They have also become more aware of the necessity to be involved in their children’s lives and the fact that they are sending their children messages that can potentially lead towards future violent behaviour. “We learned at the book-sharing training to never spank your kids and to not talk to them with a particular attitude,” says Bongi. ”You can’t say you don’t spank your child but you still shout at your child because it’s really the same thing. When you are spanking your child each time they mess up, what you are saying to them is that every conflict in the world is resolved by violence. Continue speaking to them calmly, otherwise, we’re teaching them that differences are solved by violence. That is what this project has taught us.”

Bongi tells us: “What we are saying to parents about the book-sharing is to take 10 minutes every day with your kids and take them through the book. As long as the caregiver comes to the training, they will have a new book to show their child in the week. Caregivers have told us that their child asks “Daddy, take us through the book”. The children’s attitude has changed and that is not something you can force.”

“Some fathers have said that book-sharing has changed their child’s attitude but some have also said it has changed their behaviour towards their kids because they are no longer dealing with them in the way they were. After two weeks even, I’ve heard fathers who have told me that book-sharing has made them do things differently in their house,” says Bongi.

While the Mikhulu wordless books are intended for children, there are lessons that parents can also learn. Facilitator, Mr Lefa Marobele, who is also a father, tells us: “There’s that [Mikhulu Trust] book called “Different Families Come Together”. That book taught a lot of guys a lesson – the guys normally wait for the mother to do everything; they watch TV and wait for them to serve the food. In the book, you can see that in one house, everything is going right and running smoothly but in the other house, it is chaos. In the end, the neighbours connect and they talk. The book shows it’s better to sit down with your family and tell them you need some help. That particular book helped me to teach fathers that they need to help out at home.”

Bongi adds: ”You cannot achieve anything alone at home unless the whole family at home is involved. That is something we also train our fathers on. A child who grows up with only one parent, that child at the age of 18 becomes something else, but a child who grew up with two parents, that child becomes responsible because he has both parents to support him. That child won’t be the same as the child who grew up without a father.”

The fact that the Mikhulu books are without words, makes them accessible to all, as those attending the books-sharing course with the Men’s Fellowship speak a variety of languages as their home tongue, including English, Sotho, Zulu, isiXhosa and Afrikaans. The wordless books are accessible to all those using them.

Wordless picture books have so many benefits for young children that include increasing vocabulary, strengthening interpersonal bonds between caregiver and child, developing socio-emotional skills and improving child outcomes. When asked about the wordless books and how the fathers relate to them, facilitator, Lefa put it like this: “If you go to a training, you are going to really know what is happening in the book but if you don’t go to the training you will see only the pictures as pictures. For those who go to the training, they will see the colours, the number of babies, the shapes and so on. They understand the purpose of the book for book-sharing. Those who don’t go to the training are missing out on so much.”

By building the capacity of community-based organisations like the Men’s Fellowship to deliver the book-sharing programme, the Mikhulu Trust aims to reduce violence against children, reduce child-risk factors for later violence and improve child-cognitive outcomes.

On a positive note, Bongi ends by saying: “The [book-sharing] project does make a dent; it makes a difference in the lives of the fathers we come across. The project is a good project indeed”